As a former people pleaser who has now built a better quality life, I remember one question I used to ask myself after almost every interaction with others.

“Do they like me?”

This would then be followed by:

Did I say too much? Did I offend them? Should I explain what I meant? Was I fun?

The conversation would be over, but I would still be working for their approval. This was an exhausting way to live. And most of the time, I was burned out.

For most of us, people pleasing starts young. We learn to keep the peace by being agreeable, anticipating others’ needs, and making sure nobody is upset with us. Because if we weren’t agreeable, we perceived danger. Danger in the form of shouting. Danger in the form of adult tantrums.

Then we carry these behaviors into adulthood, where they morph into insecurity, a lack of confidence, and a lower quality of life. We do this because people pleasing makes us feel safe. As primitive humans, if our “group” didn’t like us, we could become isolated and easily hunted down by an animal. So our deepest human instinct works against us. We feel the same danger, and hence, we fawn. Fawning helps a beta protect themselves from an alpha. Fawning helps a human stay protected from other "enemy" groups and wild animals.

But we don’t live in jungles anymore. And that’s where the conscious shift needs to happen. The price we pay as an insecure adult lacking confidence is much heavier in society than if we were alone in a jungle with a tiger.

While this requires a long healing process, one major shift in moving beyond people pleasing began when I changed the question I asked myself after every interaction.

Instead of “Do they like me?”, I started asking myself:

“Was I real?”

Did I say what I meant? Was I myself, or was I pretending to be someone they would like?

My yardstick of success changed from “wanting to be liked” to “wanting to be as real as I could.” As I started freeing myself from the shackles of people pleasing, life started feeling lighter, and I started creating deeper bonds with the few who were willing to accept the real version of me.

This also connects to a very important topic: embodiment. As I started truly listening to myself, I also started listening to what my body had to say. I noticed when a conversation felt off, when I felt triggered, and when I felt myself moving toward fawning again.

If a recovering people pleaser starts becoming embodied, no one can stop them! Literally, no one.

I’ll explore more of this embodiment work in future articles and videos. For now, start with the question.

After an interaction, ask yourself: “Was I the real me?”

Let people meet the real you before you decide they won’t like her.