One of my favorite ideas comes from the book The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. I’ll paraphrase it into a few short sentences:

"Marriage is like a base camp. It’s the place where food is available, where you rest, receive care, and restore yourself before the next climb.

Problems arise when the feminine energy sees the base camp as the peak, believing that marriage itself is the ultimate destination. From this place, there can be an unconscious pull to keep the partner anchored there. To expect the base camp to meet every need, both their partner’s and their own. To discourage exploration of other peaks, purposes, and experiences beyond the marriage."

I have worked with many women through my coaching and interact with dozens on a daily basis. There is one thing I notice that differentiates a happy woman from a frustrated one.

I think “happy” would be the wrong word to use here because we all go through different emotions in our lives. I mean a woman who is incredibly content with her own life and in her own skin. Someone who is confident about leading her life, is working on herself, has big goals, and seems content even if she isn’t “there” yet.

And the difference is that this woman is not obsessed with her family. She doesn’t try to control every nook and corner of what her family does and how they do it. She believes that every member of her family, including her children, is an individual and is allowed to face age-appropriate consequences for the choices they make. She has her own life, identity, and interests, and she is proud of who she is. Her yardstick of success is not dependent on how her house looks to the people in her life or how her child or spouse performs in public.

When I talk about this, the first thing people jump to is neglect. Does this mean that this woman neglects her relationships and her child?

No. In fact, the opposite.

Because her love is spread across different areas of her life, her family doesn’t feel the pressure or the need to perform according to what she thinks is right. They get a safe space to explore, make mistakes, and be free, while she has other things to focus on as well. And because she keeps filling her cup through things that light up her soul, she is the best version of herself for her family.

De-centering is one of the biggest skills you can learn, especially as a woman, and especially in a culture that tells you to do the opposite.

The moment you decenter your spouse, your children, and your relatives and put yourself at the center of your world, you start noticing that everything else begins falling into place. Your confidence rises because you are no longer performing. Your resentment cools down because you are not trying to control everything and everyone around you. AND you get to decide who gets how much of you.

You realize that the things you were holding so tightly, trying to control and make sense of, really just needed some space to breathe. You start valuing your time, and the people in your life start taking your time, and by extension, you, seriously.

Relationships improve. People start taking ownership of their own lives. And… this one will really hurt… you get out of people’s way, and they finally start growing.

You have a whole life to build beyond being someone’s wife, mother, or daughter. Give yourself the time and energy you keep giving everyone else.

Go explore a little. I promise you, you will find a world that’s worth getting to know.